[Playing guitars]
- And that totally proves...
- That neither me or Sam
can play the guitar.
Okay, now, it's time
for a brand new segment
here on icarly...
- Which we call...
Both: "The blab cam."
- Actually, it's really called
two-way high-speed
video conference.
- Well, we're calling it
"the blab cam,"
so get used to it.
- Freddie,
let's talk to someone.
- Okay, we got
a bunch of people waiting here.
Uh,
oh, here's a guy
all the way from Poland.
- What's up?
- Hey, Poland.
- [Speaking polish]
Both: Uh...
[Swedish accent] Fleebin flurbin
ooshka dooshka varbin.
- So take that, Poland.
- Now let's try some viewers
from this country.
- Okay, uh,
here's a girl named Valerie
from Seattle.
- Hi, there.
- What's up, girl?
- Hey, you guys,
my name is Valerie,
long-time viewer,
first-time blab cammer.
I just love icarly.
- Awesome.
- Thanks a lot.
- Um,
you look kind of familiar.
- Have we seen you before?
- Yeah, I go to school
with you guys.
I'm just one grade ahead.
Hey, is Freddie there?
Can I see him?
- Why would a person
want to see Freddie?
- Right here, Valerie.
- All right.
Can I just say
I think you're insanely cute.
- Yeah?
- Uh, Valerie,
you might want to check
your webcam and your brain,
'cause I'm pretty sure
one of 'em's malfunctioning.
- Sam.
- Hey, Valerie,
since you think Freddie's cute,
why don't you go on a date
with him?
- Yeah.
It's a new feature on icarly,
which we call "date the dork."
What do you say, val?
- Well, I don't think
Freddie's a dork, and I'd love
to go on a date with him.
- You won't be jealous?
- I'll try to be strong.
- Yes.
- Okay, Valerie,
just email Freddie the address
of the mental institution
you're locked up in
and he'll meet you there.
- In five, four, three, two.
[Music]
* I know you'll see,
somehow the world
will change for me
and be so wonderful,
live life, breathe air,
I know somehow
we're gonna get there
and feel so wonderful,
it's all for real,
I'm telling you
just how I feel,
so wake up the members
of my nation,
it's your time to be,
there's no chance
unless you take one
and the time
to see the brighter side
of every situation,
some things are meant to be,
so give me your best
and leave the rest to me,
leave it all to me,
just leave it all to me *
[music]
- So, you gonna kiss her?
- I'm not even sure
I should take her out.
- Just take the girl out,
kiss her, then step back
before she pukes.
[Knock on door]
- I got it.
- Freddie!
- Uh, come in?
- Mom, what are you doing--
- I'm so proud of you.
I can't believe
it's finally happening.
Your first date.
- Mom.
- And with a girl.
- Mom!
- We're all in shock.
- How'd you know
about the date?
- I was watching icarly
online.
- I didn't know you watched
our show.
- I always watch
because I've been worried
about your posture.
It seems somebody forgot
our little rule.
- What rule?
- Just skip it, all right?
- Freddie, tell her the rule
about standing up straight.
- You won't get respect
if your back's not erect.
- Oh, and I already have
the perfect outfit for you
to wear on the date.
- I'm not even sure
if I'm going on this date.
- You're going.
- Yes, you are.
- But what if she's not--
- there is a living,
breathing girl out there
who wants to go out with you.
This may never happen again.
Unless Carly changes her mind.
- Uh, yeah, Freddie and I
are just buds.
- I totally understand.
- Thank you.
- Why won't you love my son?
- Mom!
- I'm sorry.
Anyway, I already have
the whole date planned out.
- [Groans]
- First, I'm gonna cook
a lovely fat-free dinner,
and then we're gonna look
at your baby pictures.
Freddie had the cutest
little bottom.
- Okay, I'll give you
a thousand dollars
for one picture
of Freddie's butt.
- Uh, Mrs. Benson?
- Mm-hmm?
- We already told Freddie
he could have his date here.
- Why here?
- Uh, 'cause my brother's
an amazing cook?
- Yeah, and he promised
to make us his special...
- Spaghetti tacos.
What?
Noodles can't live happily
in a hard corn shell?
[Music]
- * when I'm cookin',
I'm cookin' things,
cookin' things
for people to eat,
I'm cookin',
I'm cookin' things,
things that people will chew *
- mom, will you stop it?!
- But I'm not done
fluffing your hair!
- Yes, you are!
- How many times
have I told you
not to yank electrical cords?
- Mom, I don't need you to--
- I'm gonna go
plug this back in,
and when I come back,
that hair will be fluffed.
- Hurry.
- There.
All right, now,
when Valerie gets here,
I need you guys to--
- Freddie!
[Screaming]
- Mom, stop it.
- Just let me finish
fluffing your hair!
You need to look as good
as you can!
- Bye, mom!
- Freddie!
- Okay, what up
with that outfit?
- My mom made me go shopping
at the wild wild vest.
You got my back-up clothes?
- Upstairs.
Help me.
- Hey, Spence,
can I talk to you seriously
for a sec?
- Need a little
first date advice?
- Couldn't hurt.
I'm a little nervous.
- Ah, just be yourself.
Talk about stuff you like.
- And if I run out of things
to say?
- Then just stare into her eyes
and say nothing.
That'll make you seem all cool
and mysterious.
She'll be, like, hypnotized.
- Yeah, I don't really think
that works 'cause, I mean,
if I don't say anything,
won't she think I'm--
won't she just--
- what doesn't really work?
- All right,
got your clothes.
- Good.
I'll go change in the, uh...
[Doorbell]
It's Valerie.
- Uh, Sam, stall her.
Freddie, take off
the stupid clothes.
- Right.
- Hey, Valerie, how goes it?
- I'm great, is Freddie here?
'Cause I've been thinking--
- I said to stall her.
- She is stalled.
I slammed the door
right in her face.
- All right.
Okay.
I'm fine.
I am good.
- You're cool?
- All right, jacket.
- There you go.
- All right.
- Okay.
- It's on, okay.
All right, how do I look?
- Well--
- Sam.
You look great.
Just, uh, here.
- Okay, thanks.
- Okay, there.
- All right, fine.
My hair's fine.
- No, come on, let me--
- just stop it.
- Let me fix your hair.
- All right, come on,
you're just like my mother.
- Come on--
- okay, fine.
Thank you!
- Come on, let's go upstairs.
- Wait, but I just
really want to--whoa!
Okay.
- Hi.
- You're not gonna
slam the door in my face,
are you?
- 'Course not. Come on in.
- Thanks.
- So this is really
where you guys do icarly from?
- This is the place.
I live across the hall there.
[Clears throat]
- Mr. Freddie, miss Valerie,
I will be your server
this evening.
May I take your fuchsia jacket?
- Sure.
- And how about some music?
- Great.
- Awesome.
[Loud rock music]
[Music stops]
- Perhaps another selection
at a lower volume.
[Instrumental music]
- Now, let's see
if I can figure this out.
- What are you trying to--
- and this
should give us picture.
- Sam, how'd you--
- I set up
one of Freddie's little webcams
and aimed it at the table.
- But that's spying.
We can't spy on Freddie
while he's on his first date.
- This is a realy good
spaghetti taco.
- We are bad people.
- So the rabbi says
to the nurse,
"why even have a three-chip
"hi-def camcorder
"if you can't calibrate
the white balance?"
- [Bored] Haaa!
- You know,
I have never met anyone
who's so funny
and who knows so much
about audio and video.
- Hey, nobody knows audio
and video like Freddie-o.
Both: Ohh!
- Would you care to see
a dessert menu?
- Sure.
- Sounds good.
- I guess
we'll have the pudding.
- I'm sorry,
we're out of the pudding.
- So, who helps you
with all the technical stuff
on icarly?
- Nobody, just me.
- Amazing.
It looks so cool online.
- Good berries.
- Well, it's Berry season.
- I did not know that.
[Music]
- Yup, we've gone out together
every night this week so far.
I'd say we're almost officially
boyfriend and girlfriend.
- So which one are you?
- Have you kissed her yet?
- Maybe, a little.
- No way. Did she puke?
- Wait, wait.
Was it this kind of kiss?
Or was it more like...
- [Sneezing]
- Hey, Jeremy.
- Hi, Jeremy.
- [Sneezing]
- Still got that cold, huh?
- Yeah.
Hey, you coming
to the computer expo
this weekend?
- No, I can't.
I'm going roller skating
with Valerie.
- Well, maybe we can--
[sneezing]
Oh, geez.
I think I just sprained
my throat.
[Sneezing]
- Great seeing you.
- Bye, Jeremy.
- Man, I don't think
I have ever seen that kid
when he wasn't sneezing and--
wasn't there a dork next to me?
- Hey, you.
- Hey, baby.
- So, Freddie...
- So, val...
- Remember when
we were on our first date
and you were telling me
how much fun it is
doing a Webcast?
- Yeah, sure.
- I want to do one.
- Really?
Well, you should.
It's a lot of fun.
- Well, yeah.
But I know, like, nothing
about all the techie stuff,
so I was just thinking,
you want to do it with me?
- You mean, you and me
do a Webcast together?
- Uh-huh.
We could do one every week
starting tomorrow night.
- But tomorrow night
is when I do icarly.
- Oh.
Well, okay.
- But I'll help you
any other night.
- Nah, no, thanks.
I really want to do it
tomorrow night.
- But Carly and Sam
are my friends.
I can't just bail on 'em.
- Um, from what you told me,
Sam's not your friend.
You said
she's always calling you names
and putting you down.
- I know,
but she can't help it.
She's just naturally vicious.
- And doesn't
she always call you
a "button-pushing monkey"
and tell you
how you're not important
to the show?
- Yeah. But--
- whatever.
Don't worry about it.
I can just find someone else
to help me.
- Hey, wait.
I guess, uh...
I guess Carly and Sam
can find another tech producer.
- Aw.
Now that's my Freddie bear.
- She kissed you.
And she's not even your mom.
[Sneeze]
Impressive.
[Sneezing]
[Music]
[Knock on door]
- Hey, I got your text message,
so--
- Freddie quit.
- Quit what? Sucking his thumb?
- He quit icarly.
- What?
- By email.
- He can't quit.
What's wrong
with that little punk?.
- I don't know.
I didn't want to talk to him
without you.
- Let's go slap some sense
into that boy.
- Thank you.
- Freddie!
Freddie, open the door!
- Open up!
We need to talk you right now!
- Come on, open the door.
Freddie, high-pitched voice: Uh,
Freddie's not here.
I'm just a lady!
- What are you doing?
- Picking the lock.
- How are you gonna
pick the lock with a hair--
oh, like that.
- Come here, Freddie.
- Leave me alone, Sam.
Sam?
What are you gonna--
whoa.
[Screams]
That was assault.
- Why are you quitting
icarly?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, 'cause--
'cause maybe I don't like
the way Sam treats me.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she's--
she's always putting me down
and--and calling me mean names,
and every time
I get an ice cream cone,
she takes it and she licks it.
She just licks it
all over the place
just to bug me.
- Great.
Now what's the real reason?
- Okay.
Valerie wants to do a web show,
and she asked me
to be her tech producer.
- Uh.
So you're just gonna
ditch icarly
for another web show?
- That's competing against us.
- Valerie's my girlfriend.
What am I supposed to do?
- Dump the chick.
How about that?
- You know,
you guys were the ones
who talked me into
going out with her
in the first place,
and now I'm the bad guy?
- Look, Freddie,
you better just--
- stop.
He's right.
- Huh?
- He should
help his girlfriend.
- Thanks.
And, I wasn't gonna
leave you guys with no help.
I got you guys
a new tech producer...
If you want him.
- Who?
- He's really good
with the tech stuff.
- Who?
- In five--
[sneeze]
Four--[Sneeze]
Three--[Sneeze]
- In five, four, three, two,
one, I'm Carly.
- I'm Sam.
- And this is--
- [sneeze]
- And this is--
- [sneeze]
- And this is icarly.
- Now, we'd like
to welcome aboard a new member
of the icarly team...
- Our new technical producer,
Jeremy.
- Or as we like to call him,
"germy."
- [Sneeze]
I got some spittle
on the lens.
- Just wipe it off, Jeremy.
[Sneeze]
- Okay, this is another
new segment on icarly,
which we like to call...
- "Animals dressed
like other animals."
- [Sneeze]
- Okay.
First up, we have a dog
dressed like a pig.
- I'll go get him.
- You do that, Carls.
We'd like to thank
our friend Robin
for letting us borrow
her wiener dog.
This is for you, Robin.
[Audience cheering]
- And thanks
to my brother Spencer
for letting us use
his novelty pig parts.
- [Sneeze]
Uh, I'm allergic to pigs.
- It's not a pig,
it's a wiener dog.
- How can you confuse
Robin's weiner dog with a pig?
- [Sneeze]
I need a tissue.
- Okay.
We're gonna wrap up the show
a little early tonight.
- So join us next week--
- or not--
- here at icarly.Com.
- Maybe, bye.
- Bye.
[Dog yelping]
- And we're clear.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hey.
- I, uh, watched icarly
the other night.
Yikes.
- I don't need your review,
all right?
- Hey, don't be mad at me.
- No, I will be mad at you.
You stole Freddie
and that hurt our show.
- Sam, you don't need icarly.
- What do you mean
I don't need--
- come do my show with me.
- What?
- Oh, come on.
Icarly's gonna crash and burn
without Freddie.
I mean, duh.
- You know,
Carly happens to be my friend.
- Then why isn't your web show
called Carly and Sam?
Why is it called icarly?
- She didn't come up
with the name, Freddie did,
and we all like it.
- Well, if you were my co-host,
I'd call our show
val and Sam,
maybe even Sam and val,
if you like that.
- This is a serious offer?
- Oh, yeah.
- You, me, and Freddie.
- Uh-huh.
And we'll knock Carly shay
right off the Internet.
And then, in a couple of years,
we could have
the most popular show
on the web.
- I bet we could.
- That was the plan all along.
- You've got a devious
little brain.
I like that.
- I thought you might.
Let's talk tomorrow.
- Absolutely.
- Oh, and don't say anything.
We don't want Carly to know
about this.
- Believe me, I won't.
- She what?!
- That skunk-bag
tried to steal me, too.
She wants to ruin icarly
so she can have the hottest show
on the web.
- Oh, my god.
She's just using Freddie.
- Yeah, and now she's trying
to use me.
- That little--
- say it.
- I don't like to say it.
Spencer says it's not lady-like.
- Say it.
- That skunk-bag!
- Feels good, doesn't it?
- Yeah, it does.
- We gonna go tell Freddie?
- Yeah, we are!
- Can we get a smoothie first?
- No, we cannot!
- You're talking
about my girlfriend.
- She's not your girlfriend.
She's just using you.
- Then I enjoy being used.
- Hey, Carly,
there's a little girl
on the phone.
You want to buy some
girl sprout cookies?
- Uh, no thanks.
- No thanks.
Huh?
- You got to believe us.
- She tried to get me
to be on her web show, too.
- You're lying.
- I don't lie.
- Yeah, Sam may be obnoxious
and irresponsible,
but she doesn't lie.
Oh, you know I love you.
- She says
if you buy ten boxes,
you get a dollar off.
- I don't want
any girl sprout cookies.
- She really doesn't want
any cookies.
Huh?
- Fine, I'll go
ask Valerie myself.
- She's not gonna
tell you the truth.
- She said, "no, thank you."
- Valerie's using you.
- She is not.
- She is.
- We don't want your cookies!
- Believe us.
- We've been your friends
way longer than she has.
- How many times
do I have to say no?!
Wait, how much
for the twin mints?
[Music]
[Elevator bell rings]
- How long till we go on?
- Seven minutes.
Where's germy?
- In the bathroom.
He brought special nose plugs
that are supposed
to keep snot from dripping out
of his nostrils.
- Charming.
- Here he comes.
- Let's just get ready
to do the show.
- Here I am.
- Yay.
- I put in the nose plugs.
They should keep me from--
[sneeze, pop]
Where'd my right plug go?
- Don't.
- [Sneeze]
I'm--[Sneeze]
I'm sorry.
[Sneeze]
I can't--
[sneeze]
I got to go home.
[Sneezing]
- Now what?
- We can't do the show
without someone doing
the tech stuff.
[Elevator bell rings]
- Hi.
- You were right.
- Valerie admitted
she tried to steal me?
- Yeah.
She even tried to get me
to talk you into doing her show.
You guys were right about her.
She's a skunk-sack.
- Bag.
- What'd you do?
- Broke up with her.
- I'm sorry.
- It's cool.
- Well, come on.
Let's do
a butt-kickin' web show.
That'll take your mind off it.
- Totally.
Look, I know we haven't
rehearsed it with you, but--
- I didn't say I'd come back
to icarly.
- Yeah, but--
- you said Valerie admitted--
- that doesn't mean
that she was wrong when she said
you guys don't treat me
like I'm important to the show.
- I always tell you
how important you are.
- Yeah, you do.
- Tell him
he's just as important
to the show as we are.
- Aw, why don't you
just make me drink
out of a toilet?
- Tell him.
[Music]
- Freddie,
you're just as important
to icarly as we are.
- Uh.
She gave me a wedgie!
- No charge.
Now come on, let's do the show.
- Hey.
- Hi, Spence.
- Hi, Spencer.
- You guys rocked tonight.
- You saw our show?
- Yeah, I watched it over
at my buddy sock-o's house.
- You have a friend
named sock-o?
- Yeah.
He's the one who sells me
all the cool socks.
So I thought Freddie quit the--
- I'm back on icarly.
- As our permanent
technical producer.
- Good.
- Hey, so what's Valerie
gonna do about her show?
- I think
it's probably still on.
- Well, go to her site.
- Hurry.
- Okay, okay.
Calm down. I'm going.
- Um, so now if you'll look
at the monitor above me,
you will see, um, a video
of my family's recent trip
to Idaho, home of the potato.
Why won't it play?
I don't see why
it's not playing.
- Is she okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
She's gettin' up.
- I don't know what to do now.
- I do.
- Hey, people.
- We need you to do something.
- You have to do this.
- We want you
to make a crazy sandwich.
- Make an insane sandwich.
- Then take a picture of it.
- And send that pic to us
at icarly.Com.
- And if your sandwich
is crazy enough...
- We'll put it
on the icarly homepage
for the whole world to see.
- So if you want to win
"most insane sandwich ever"...
- Go make
a bizarre-o sandwich.
- Take a pic of it.
- And send that pic to us
at icarly.Com.
- Do it.
- We want your sandwich pics.
- And now Sam and I
will make weird noises.
Both: Mah! Mah!
[Oven bell dings]
- Mmm!
Captioning performed by peoplesupport transcription & captioning